I feel like there is a stirring starting to happen of sediment that has been allowed to settle. There was such a clear picture that I got when we had the time with the Holy Water and the water touched my face. I realised that I had a lot of shame attached to my face because of teenage acne. But on a deeper level, He showed me that my face is what the world sees, it’s the representation of my identity and it wasn’t only my physical face that I had wanted to conceal (make up and any other means of hiding) but also my identity. I did not want to be inspected, scrutinised and observed in case all of my “spots” would stand out and be on display for the world to see. As the Holy Water touched my face, the water of the Word cleansed my skin and my spots were cleared. I felt the tingling of the salt and it was very significant. As I was journaling later, He led me to this scripture:
Clean Hands by Antonio Sicurezza, Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
(Ephesians 5:25-27 NASB)
That picture and understanding of being cleansed has been profound and I think the Lord will continue to expand on that picture. I just wanted to share this small yet significant testimony with you.
The Hope of Glory
Testimony by a 2016 Wheaton MPCS Attendee
I wanted to share my experience at the Wheaton School with your team. It starts off negative and ends with glory. I have attached a picture I took Thursday at sunset that reflects “The Hope of Glory” that I discover by the end of the Friday prayer for healing of memories.
My first two days at the Wheaton College were a bit weird for me. From the moment I got to my room, I had the strongest feeling of acting out sexually, it was overwhelming to be honest and this continued all day Monday and Tuesday. Nevertheless, on Tuesday after the teaching on mothers and the sense of being and well being, I went for prayer and I went to one of the ladies. This is the first healing I got. As I closed my eyes and let her pray for me, her perfume overwhelmed me. I realize that I never smelled my mother’s scent. As I continued to smell her beautiful perfume, I received an inner image of me as a baby in a crib and that perfume reaching me and I inhaled it as if I was inhaling my mothe’rs scent for the first time. When she finished praying, I hugged her and it was like hugging my mother. I felt loved. When I sat down, immediately, my own mother texted me a picture of a post card I sent to her many years ago on which I had written: “Star bight, star light, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish tonight. Please, tell my mom that I love her very much”. I was so surprised that the Holy Spirit had my mother finding this card as she was cleaning and sending it to me just in the moment that I had that experience. I got up and told the lady that prayed for me all this and showed her the picture.
However, right after the day was over, I continued to have an overwhelming urge to act out sexually and I did in some way. I was very disappointed witht myself because I came with such high hopes to be healed that by Wednesday morning I was retreating into myself, into my false self and started practicing the fallen self. I started thinking to myself that it was a waste of time coming here, a waste of money and I was about to leave Wednesday. I missed the first half of Wednesday plenaries because I was in my room wondering if I should just leave but then I decided to attend the 2:00 pm plenary.
In the 2:00 pm plenary, Sarah started talking about “Practicing the Presence of God”. There was a lady who also talked with a British accent (loved her) and at the end, she had the older gentleman pray for us. This older gentleman, the one that carried the cross at the beginning, started guiding us to imagine getting a present from the Lord. I jumped in the water and I got my present. When I open it, it was a crown and a bible. When I opened the bible, it was blank with white pages. Then the number 26 slowly appeared and it was clearly seen real big but there were no letters on the pages. Suddenly, from right to left, golden letters started filling the pages till they reach the number 26, they were Hebrew letters. I told the Lord that I didn’t know how to read Hebrew and He replied: “Look up the Hebrew words for the number 26”. After we stopped praying, I used my phone to look up this up and the number 26 is made out of two Hebrew words: Beth for the number 2 and Vav for the number 6.
Beth means “house”, “tent”, the house is the dwelling of the body of man in the world of duality and illusion. A house also gives protection and shelter. A house is a containing form. In the spiritual sense it contains the Light, the Spirit. Beth as a house is also is the Sanctuary, the Temple.
Vav means “nail”, “hook”, both function for fixing something. The nail’s function is joining two parts together.
This is my understanding of my inner vision: Beth is house & vav is fixing. Put them together and you get “House Fixing”! This is the meaning of my vision of the number 26. I understood that God was fixing my house, He was fixing me! He was building me up. This was confirmed later on Thursday when a lady of your team shared that she saw the process of a house being built from the ground up to the ceiling during her walks and that is how God builds us up too. God is good.
On Thursday, when Sarah asked us to sit closer before she started talking about introspection, I felt led to sit in the front row. I finally started seeing clearly and I started to receive from the Lord even more healing.
Finally on Friday, during the healing of memories prayer, the Lord showed me the root of my struggle. I have heard many times that my dad always wanted girls when he married my mom but my mom only gave my dad 3 sons. I’m the middle son. When he got his two girls by his second wife, he was very happy. Over the years, my dad has shown more excitement by the birth of his granddaughters then by his grandsons. He even has told me that he hopes when I get married that I will give him a granddaughter but I told him I want sons. On Friday, the Lord helped me to understand that the root cause of my struggles with my sexual identity and gender is a rejection of my gender by my dad. He rejected my gender. As a child, I didn’t know if I wanted to be a girl or a boy, I was very confused. I always felt more secure playing with girls than boys, and I wanted to emulate woman superheroes at times like Wonder Woman. Now for the first time I saw the root, the rejection of my gender by my dad.
I took all this to the Cross and by the end of Friday, I felt very clean and free. I know there is no magic wand you wave and poof, all is gone, there is a process for my healing. I know this is the beginning of my healing. I need to continue practicing the Lord’s presence and continue in my healing but these 5 days gave insight, knowledge and kindled The Hope of Glory in my heart.
I want to say that the first couple of days, the choice of music was not to my liking at all and it was hard to worship God. However, by Friday it was beautiful music. What I learned from these 5 days is that we don’t sit at Jesus’ feet anymore, waiting, listening, waiting and listening to receive. We are in such a hurry and we pray fast. I learned a valuable lesson at the Wheaton School and that is to sit at the Master’s Feet and listen and wait for His Voice. He is faithful and He is always sending His healing Word, we just need to learn how to sit at His feet and just listen.
Comments Off on Healing from Fear and Releasing Her Voice
Hello Blessed MPC Ministry Team:
I have been meaning to write you for two months now. When I returned home from MPC this summer, I had to move and then return to work. I wanted to share with you all that God did in me this summer in Wheaton at MPC, but also what he has been doing in all of us [hometown] folks since returning from our time with you. I am so grateful; words cannot express all that is in my heart. To say God is good doesn’t begin to articulate his saving acts of grace in our lives.
Bentness: The Lord showed me that I was bent into myself through independence and self-sufficiency. This has been my position throughout my life due to the fact that I was very neglected as a child and left to fend for myself. As Sarah was inviting people to get prayer for their bentness, she also said, “The Lord is healing someone’s back.” I have had back issues for many years, and my back had been in some pain for several weeks, although not serious pain. Sarah’s words drew my attention to my back, and I realized for the first time in weeks that I had no pain. Then the Lord showed me that I have been carrying my own load, wearing my own yoke instead of sharing Christ’s yoke. This was connected to the back issues. I knew that my back would become a barometer, and indicator of how I was trusting God, letting go, and letting Him be God in my life.
Being and Well Being: At the last PCM I attended (2007?), God gave me a sense of being and well-being, or at least He strengthened my sense of being and well-being. On day two, he told me that I was not created to be responsible for others. He created me for Himself, to BE for Him. He made me for his pleasure. That day, I surrendered my family members–those I had felt responsible to take care of–to Him. They are His business, not mine. He told me to stay on my path, and not look at other peoples’ paths. This is another load I have not been called to carry, and my meddling in others’ lives is rooted in pride and an over-responsibility.
Healing of Misogyny: The Lord did a significant healing of misogyny in me during the 2005 and 2007 PCMs that I attended. However, he did more for me this year during the renunciation of Baal. During the prayer for the renunciation of Baal, I saw a picture in my imagination of all the sins of my family–the sins of generations of people from both my father and mother’s families–come up through me and out of me onto Jesus who was nailed to a huge giant cross that was above me and was connecting earth with heaven. I named all the sins that the Holy Spirit brought to mind (abortion, adultery, misogyny, alcoholism, pornography, fornication, physical abuse, etc.). Many of these sins are connected to the sin of misogyny. All these sins went up onto Jesus’ body on the cross. It was forgiven and gone from my family. I also realized at that moment that I was not independent from my family. I experienced all the effects of their sins. Now I was free, and even though most of them are dead, they, too, are free from those sins.
Healing from Deep-rooted Fear: After experiencing the healing from the sins of my family, I decided to get prayer for it. I also needed to confess some sin. I went forward to one of the prayer ministers in front. I shared my vision with her and confessed sin. She prayed for me. Then the Lord brought to mind a core issue, which I have already experienced much healing from God. I was the third of three children, and was a surprise pregnancy. My father was very excited that my mother was pregnant, but my mother did not want another child. At that time, my parents’ marriage was not good. My father may have been having an affair on my mother, and both parents were on their way to becoming alcoholics. My mother was in labor for two days with me. When I was brought home, I was placed in the care of our African-American nanny, Carla. I slept in a bed with Carla in my room for the first ten days of my life. In those days, doctors advised women not to breastfeed their babies; thus, I was probably bottle fed by both Carla and my mother. My mother stayed home for a week after I was brought home from the hospital, and then she resumed her social engagements with her girlfriends and left me in the care of Carla. I am certain that is was Carla with whom I had attachment. Carla would always refer to me as her baby. I did not have a very secure beginning, and my deepest, most core issues stem from the circumstances of my conception and birth. God had done some deep significant healing in my soul, and I thought that wound had been healed. However, I discovered there was more. I have had a fear rooted deep within me that has driven my thoughts and actions my entire life. I sometimes made bad decisions because I made them from a place of fear. I could never feel at ease or at rest because the fear kept me in a hypervigilant state, always seeking to secure myself, wanting to feel safe but never feeling at ease. I have been afraid of people, of being rejected by people. I have been afraid of being left and abandoned, so I worked hard to make sure relationships were secure. I could not seem to get free from fear. I would confess it over and over to my priest, and he would pray for me and encourage me, but the fear was still there. After the prayer minister prayed for me in regards to my own sin and the sins of generations of my family, the Lord spoke to me and told me my mother had passed on to me a hatred of woman and a deep distrust of men. I confessed to the prayer minister that my mother had had two abortions after me. As the prayer minister prayed for me, I let out a loud wail from some place deep within me. All the pain of not being wanted at conception and of not accepting and embracing my own feminine self came out of me. The scream also released my voice, something I never could seem to find. I will always feel talked over and not heard. I didn’t realize the significance of what happened at that moment until at least a week after I returned home.
One night I was driving home from dinner at a friend’s house, and as I approached my street, it was blocked off by police cars. There had been a shootout between gang members outside my gated condo community. I started to go to that place of fear again, and then I stopped myself. I said, “Another lives in you. You no longer have to be afraid of anything. He is with you.” Then I was at peace and knew it was okay. I have experienced this new response many times since returning from MPC. I am different. Fear does not rule me any longer. I know the Lord delivered me from the fear, and I am almost certain it happened when I let out the scream.
Recently, the Lord showed me that I am not always a truth teller. Because of my fear of man, I sweep things under the carpet instead of confront them in truth and in love. I had to talk to a friend this week who did not listen to me when I expressed a boundary. I normally would just “let it go” and not make waves. The Lord showed me this was the same as lying. It is lying. The fear does not rule me any longer, but I need to practice a new way. I have a voice now. My voice, my ability to speak the truth in love, must come from my center, where Another dwells.
Healing of Memories: On Friday morning, Gino prayed for healing of memories, and my first memory was of me in the womb with God’s hand on me. Nothing bad could happen to me because he held me. Next the Lord brought me into the hospital room where I was born. I saw Jesus holding me, and he had the most ecstatic, joyous expression on his face as he stared into my eyes. I was wanted and am wanted. As a young child, I was alone a lot. My brother and sister were in school by the time I was born. I have memories of being alone, listening to a book on a record player. I don’t ever remember being read to. The Lord filled those memories up with his presence. I saw Jesus sitting on the floor of my bedroom listening to the “101 Dalmations” recorded book with me. And then I saw him sitting with me on my bed with his arm around me reading a book to me, and another picture of him outside in the backyard playing with me and the dogs. I was not alone. There were other memories, painful ones, in which I could see him present with me.
Since MPC, our little group from [hometown], has expressed to one another our desire to live from our centers, where Another dwells. This is not easy. We continue to meet together once a week, and during that time, we confess our sins to one another, pray for one another, and we are currently reading through The Healing Presence together. On the same evening, our priest is meeting with a group of men who are all struggling with pornography and sexual addiction. They do the same as our group, but they are reading through Crisis in Masculinity. These men have not ever attended an MPC.
Thank you so much for offering yourselves in this way for the life of the Body of Christ. I feel my words are very inadequate to express what is in my heart.