Healing from Fear and Releasing Her Voice
Hello Blessed MPC Ministry Team:
I have been meaning to write you for two months now. When I returned home from MPC this summer, I had to move and then return to work. I wanted to share with you all that God did in me this summer in Wheaton at MPC, but also what he has been doing in all of us [hometown] folks since returning from our time with you. I am so grateful; words cannot express all that is in my heart. To say God is good doesn’t begin to articulate his saving acts of grace in our lives.
Bentness: The Lord showed me that I was bent into myself through independence and self-sufficiency. This has been my position throughout my life due to the fact that I was very neglected as a child and left to fend for myself. As Sarah was inviting people to get prayer for their bentness, she also said, “The Lord is healing someone’s back.” I have had back issues for many years, and my back had been in some pain for several weeks, although not serious pain. Sarah’s words drew my attention to my back, and I realized for the first time in weeks that I had no pain. Then the Lord showed me that I have been carrying my own load, wearing my own yoke instead of sharing Christ’s yoke. This was connected to the back issues. I knew that my back would become a barometer, and indicator of how I was trusting God, letting go, and letting Him be God in my life.
Being and Well Being: At the last PCM I attended (2007?), God gave me a sense of being and well-being, or at least He strengthened my sense of being and well-being. On day two, he told me that I was not created to be responsible for others. He created me for Himself, to BE for Him. He made me for his pleasure. That day, I surrendered my family members–those I had felt responsible to take care of–to Him. They are His business, not mine. He told me to stay on my path, and not look at other peoples’ paths. This is another load I have not been called to carry, and my meddling in others’ lives is rooted in pride and an over-responsibility.
Healing of Misogyny: The Lord did a significant healing of misogyny in me during the 2005 and 2007 PCMs that I attended. However, he did more for me this year during the renunciation of Baal. During the prayer for the renunciation of Baal, I saw a picture in my imagination of all the sins of my family–the sins of generations of people from both my father and mother’s families–come up through me and out of me onto Jesus who was nailed to a huge giant cross that was above me and was connecting earth with heaven. I named all the sins that the Holy Spirit brought to mind (abortion, adultery, misogyny, alcoholism, pornography, fornication, physical abuse, etc.). Many of these sins are connected to the sin of misogyny. All these sins went up onto Jesus’ body on the cross. It was forgiven and gone from my family. I also realized at that moment that I was not independent from my family. I experienced all the effects of their sins. Now I was free, and even though most of them are dead, they, too, are free from those sins.
Healing from Deep-rooted Fear: After experiencing the healing from the sins of my family, I decided to get prayer for it. I also needed to confess some sin. I went forward to one of the prayer ministers in front. I shared my vision with her and confessed sin. She prayed for me. Then the Lord brought to mind a core issue, which I have already experienced much healing from God. I was the third of three children, and was a surprise pregnancy. My father was very excited that my mother was pregnant, but my mother did not want another child. At that time, my parents’ marriage was not good. My father may have been having an affair on my mother, and both parents were on their way to becoming alcoholics. My mother was in labor for two days with me. When I was brought home, I was placed in the care of our African-American nanny, Carla. I slept in a bed with Carla in my room for the first ten days of my life. In those days, doctors advised women not to breastfeed their babies; thus, I was probably bottle fed by both Carla and my mother. My mother stayed home for a week after I was brought home from the hospital, and then she resumed her social engagements with her girlfriends and left me in the care of Carla. I am certain that is was Carla with whom I had attachment. Carla would always refer to me as her baby. I did not have a very secure beginning, and my deepest, most core issues stem from the circumstances of my conception and birth. God had done some deep significant healing in my soul, and I thought that wound had been healed. However, I discovered there was more. I have had a fear rooted deep within me that has driven my thoughts and actions my entire life. I sometimes made bad decisions because I made them from a place of fear. I could never feel at ease or at rest because the fear kept me in a hypervigilant state, always seeking to secure myself, wanting to feel safe but never feeling at ease. I have been afraid of people, of being rejected by people. I have been afraid of being left and abandoned, so I worked hard to make sure relationships were secure. I could not seem to get free from fear. I would confess it over and over to my priest, and he would pray for me and encourage me, but the fear was still there. After the prayer minister prayed for me in regards to my own sin and the sins of generations of my family, the Lord spoke to me and told me my mother had passed on to me a hatred of woman and a deep distrust of men. I confessed to the prayer minister that my mother had had two abortions after me. As the prayer minister prayed for me, I let out a loud wail from some place deep within me. All the pain of not being wanted at conception and of not accepting and embracing my own feminine self came out of me. The scream also released my voice, something I never could seem to find. I will always feel talked over and not heard. I didn’t realize the significance of what happened at that moment until at least a week after I returned home.
One night I was driving home from dinner at a friend’s house, and as I approached my street, it was blocked off by police cars. There had been a shootout between gang members outside my gated condo community. I started to go to that place of fear again, and then I stopped myself. I said, “Another lives in you. You no longer have to be afraid of anything. He is with you.” Then I was at peace and knew it was okay. I have experienced this new response many times since returning from MPC. I am different. Fear does not rule me any longer. I know the Lord delivered me from the fear, and I am almost certain it happened when I let out the scream.
Recently, the Lord showed me that I am not always a truth teller. Because of my fear of man, I sweep things under the carpet instead of confront them in truth and in love. I had to talk to a friend this week who did not listen to me when I expressed a boundary. I normally would just “let it go” and not make waves. The Lord showed me this was the same as lying. It is lying. The fear does not rule me any longer, but I need to practice a new way. I have a voice now. My voice, my ability to speak the truth in love, must come from my center, where Another dwells.
Healing of Memories: On Friday morning, Gino prayed for healing of memories, and my first memory was of me in the womb with God’s hand on me. Nothing bad could happen to me because he held me. Next the Lord brought me into the hospital room where I was born. I saw Jesus holding me, and he had the most ecstatic, joyous expression on his face as he stared into my eyes. I was wanted and am wanted. As a young child, I was alone a lot. My brother and sister were in school by the time I was born. I have memories of being alone, listening to a book on a record player. I don’t ever remember being read to. The Lord filled those memories up with his presence. I saw Jesus sitting on the floor of my bedroom listening to the “101 Dalmations” recorded book with me. And then I saw him sitting with me on my bed with his arm around me reading a book to me, and another picture of him outside in the backyard playing with me and the dogs. I was not alone. There were other memories, painful ones, in which I could see him present with me.
Since MPC, our little group from [hometown], has expressed to one another our desire to live from our centers, where Another dwells. This is not easy. We continue to meet together once a week, and during that time, we confess our sins to one another, pray for one another, and we are currently reading through The Healing Presence together. On the same evening, our priest is meeting with a group of men who are all struggling with pornography and sexual addiction. They do the same as our group, but they are reading through Crisis in Masculinity. These men have not ever attended an MPC.
Thank you so much for offering yourselves in this way for the life of the Body of Christ. I feel my words are very inadequate to express what is in my heart.
With much love,
A precious MPC attendee